Can't Fight Fate
by Rossignol1984
Summary: A oneshot of Summer's thoughts and feelings in the last scenes of The Rainy Day Women and why she can't let go of Seth... Reviews very welcomed! :


_Hi everybody!_

_Besides my two long stories I have posted here I also wrote a (very long) one shot about Summer and her thoughts and feelings in The Rainy Day Women and why she can't let go of Seth._

_Anyways, I hope you like it, and if you read it, please review, it really means a lot to me!_

_Thanks:)_

_Steffi_

Can't fight fate

The black limousine slowly rolls its way along Highway Number One, to take us to Newport Airport. The rain drums against the windows, perfectly reflecting my emotional state. The wind blows heavily and I'm unable to see anything except the ocean and the cloudy horizon behind it.

Zach's sister keeps on talking about everything that could go wrong on our trip to Italy… "what if Dad gets stuck at the airport in Washington? What if we're gonna be late for the flight to Italy? Maybe I shouldn't do this…" blah blah blah. I slightly shake my head, trying to concentrate on something, anything else than the complaints of this horrible person.

The last words I have told him are still stuck in my mind.

"What we had wasn't as awesome as what you had with Ryan, otherwise you wouldn't have left! And you know what? Now I'm leaving you!"

I could never leave him, or at least I never thought I could. But I'm doing it now. I know very well that my statement from earlier hurt him. And I have to admit that in this moment, I wanted him to be hurt…

All this stuff about hurt and being hurt brings back the memories from nine months, when I found a small letter in my mailbox. A small note was attached to the envelope.

"Summer, sweetie, Seth wants you to read this… maybe you'll understand… we tried and didn't. Love, Sandy and Kirsten Cohen."

I remember putting the note off the envelope and opening it. A million thoughts were running through my head that minute. I knew the second that I saw the letter that there was something really wrong going on there.

_Dear Summer,_

_I don't expect you to forgive me for what I'm gonna tell you now. I just want you to understand that I can't stay here. With Ryan leaving, Newport all of a sudden becomes a terrible place in which I feel like drowning… I'm taking the 'Summer Breeze' for a ride – and I don't know if or when I'm coming back, but all I want you to know is that I really love you. _

_The best thing that ever happened to me was that you finally started talking to me. I'm incredibly happy that you chose me as your boyfriend and I hope that when I'll come home one day, you'll be able to forgive me._

_I love you._

_Seth_

The letter wasn't long, but it said enough to break my heart. I can't describe the feelings that came up in me when I finished reading it. My head started to spin, my heart raced and I couldn't concentrate on anything. Seth's letter had made something happen in me… I started to cry.

Everyone who knows me has barely seen me crying before – no, they haven't seen me crying at all. I'm just not the kind of person that is able to make her feelings show so easily. In my opinion, showing feelings makes you only more vulnerable – and I don't want to be vulnerable. My reputation says that I'm Summer, the cool, hip and tough girl from Harbor School's Junior class. And not some chick that's crying over every little thing.

My mind goes on about the summer I had after I got Seth's letter… it was the most terrible summer in my whole life. Before I met Seth, my life was in order and… and I locked my inner feelings into a shell. Ever since my mother had left me and my Dad, I knew that it would be better to never open my heart to anyone again. It just saves you a lot of pain.

But then Ryan came and with Ryan came Seth Cohen. And Ryan didn't only achieve that Seth was able to fit into the whole school society (well, at least a little better than before), but he also gave Seth the courage he needed to come up and talk to me.

I smile to myself when I think about the very beginning of Seth and me. I never told anyone, but the moment I saw him, I felt attracted to his wild curly hair and his cute dimples that showed up on his face everytime he smiled. But how could I ever be friends with him when I was one of the most popular girls at school? There was just no way, so I acted like I always acted towards people that were important to me – I ignored him as best as I could.

I still wonder why I practically invited myself to his grandfather's birthday party during the summer holidays that had brought Ryan to the community. I guess I just wanted to be introduced to all those rich and powerful young men to stop the inevitable. Me starting to like Seth Cohen.

But when Seth started to be so protective as we talked by the pool when he said that all those guys were just there to stare at my boobs I was a little flattered that there really was one guy who cared for me so much. In a way, he was right. Every boy or every man I had met before just wanted me because I sort of look good and because I sort of have a good shape of my body. No one ever cared for the real Summer inside of me.

And when Seth went on about me, and when he recited the Mermaid poem I had written in sixth grade and which I had been terribly nervous to read out in front of the whole class, my brains stopped working. The moment just caught me, and it had been the first time I realized that I was falling for him.

The kiss by the pool had been our first kiss, and I will always cherish the memory of this moment.

My thoughts are interrupted as Zach's mother asks if everyone is comfortable, and if the temperature in the limousine is okay. I simply nod and feel how Zach takes my hand. I look into his eyes and try to smile. He doesn't need to know what's going on in my mind. Maybe I try to crawl back into my inner shell again. I don't open up to everyone. It was hard for me to open up at all.

When Zach smiles at me I turn my head away and continue staring out of the window.

My thoughts go back to last year when Seth and I sort of became friends. If it had been up to me then, I would have kept things the way like they had been before – Seth trying desperately to talk to me and me rejecting him everytime he did so. But then there was Anna.

Anna had fallen for Seth, and she kind of challenged me. She was about to win Seth for herself, and I didn't want to lose him to anybody else.

So a huge fight for Seth Cohen burned up. There was nothing Anna and me hadn't left untried. I even put myself into a wonderwoman costume to win him for me.

During that time I didn't understand myself. I really fought for this skinny geek, because everything I wanted from him was to be with me. My feelings were on a rollercoaster, and I had never made an experience like that before.

Slowly but surely, I started to fall in love with Seth Cohen.

And just when I was about to admit my feelings in front of him, New Year's Eve came and Seth had made his decision – for Anna.

Just as if the radio can read my mind, "I'm Shakin'" by Rooney is on. I smile to myself sadly when I think about the feelings I had when Seth and Anna had been standing in front of me during last year's Rooney concert, trying to tell me that they were together now. From the way they had been struggling to find the right words you could tell that they didn't want to hurt me – that had really been a nice gesture, but when they had finally told me all I felt was a huge pang of disappointment in my heart.

The first time in my life I had developed so deep feelings for a boy and he rejected me. And even if I was hurting inside, my inner shell forbade me to show my feelings to them. I remember that it had been incredibly hard to put on a happy smile and tell them that I was okay with just being friends.

Just when I was about to get over my feelings for Seth, it was Valentine's Day and he came back into my life, like so many times before.

The news that Anna and him had broken up confused me to an amount I had never felt before. On the one hand because I had a chance again to make him mine, but on the other hand I just felt like his second choice. If he really had wanted to be with me from the very beginning, why had he chosen Anna over me?

Maybe he had been just scared to commit his feelings for me. Or maybe he had just realized that I just wasn't the right match for him. Or not good enough for him, because that's what I considered myself at that time.

However you twist and turn it, I didn't want to be like his sloppy seconds – and those were the exact words I told him when he asked me if I wanted to go to the big Valentine's Day Singles Dance Gala with him.

No one's messing around with me like this, especially not a dork like Seth Cohen.

The driver of the limousine pulls into the parking lot of Newport Airport and drives us straight to the terminal gates. The four of us – Zach, his sister, his mother and me – hop out of the car and make our way into the terminal.

That's the good thing about being rich – you don't have to take care of your luggage or parking spaces when you travel. You have people to do that for you.

While we proceed to the waiting area in the terminal, we pass a huge advertising banner for yachts. "Life style in its own class – Balboa yachts" is written on the banner.

When I see the boat I think about Seth again. Seth loves to sail. He even named his boat after me – The "Summer Breeze". My mind continues dreaming about last year's Valentine's Day.

If someone ever asked me about the moment I knew that I was in love with Seth, I'd tell him the story about his undeniable speech. I will never forget those words that he told me in my room the day before Valentine's Day and that were meant to be an apology.

To me, they weren't only an apology, they also were the words that dragged me to him ever since.

"Listen, Summer. It's not like… like now that Anna and I broke up, I am now choosing you… okay? Cuz the whole reason that we broke up… was cur for me… it's always been you, Summer. It's always been you. Now I tried to fight it, and I tried to deny it, and I can't. I can't do it. You're undeniable."

I had been able to resist him since he had come into my life, but after this incredibly romantic declaration of love I couldn't hide my feelings any longer. The moment he had finished his speech my whole body longed to kiss him, to touch him. I wanted to be as close to him as anyone could ever be, and I never wanted to let him go again.

Seth had been the first boy in my life that liked me because I was myself, and not some good looking girl everyone wanted to date.

And since I longed for him so badly then, we shared our first time together – no, our first times at all. I had never told anyone that up to this moment, I had still been a virgin, and that I had waited for the right boy to come. Not even Marissa knew that. I always wanted to share this piece of information with the only human I trusted completely. And this human had curly brown hair and had just declared his love for me in the most romantic way a girl could ever imagine.

Until the day that I'm sitting here in the Ariport terminal, no one except Seth knows that he had been my first and only one.

And no one needs to know. My partner might have changed over the past year, but this information is still the secret I only want to share with Seth.

We had our ups and downs after we had finally managed to become a couple. Yeah, the sex thing hadn't been so easy to figure out as we might have imagined. But you can achieve anything with the right amount of patience and trust, and when Seth had finally convinced me to trust him competely, I spent the happiest days of my life with him.

Seth had cracked my inner shell and had finally set free the real Summer that had been hiding inside of me for the past 16 years. I was so incredibly hard in love with him, the mere thought of breaking up tore my heart apart.

But even if Seth might have cracked my inner shell, I still wasn't self-confident. He had shown me so often that he really loved me, but I still didn't see why. I always felt kind of insecure when I was next to him, given the fact that he was so much smarter and funnier than me. I had made the experience so often in the past that boys became bored with me once they had me faster than I could count to three – and broke up with me again.

To avoid the same situation with Seth – no, it wasn't the same situation because then I wouldn't have been so scared to show my feelings for him in public. The other boys had just broken up with me – and that was it. No pain from my side, just resignation. But I knew that if Seth ever abandoned me, I would suffer. Maybe forever. And that would make me vulnerable again. And, as you all know, I don't want to be vulnerable.

But somehow Seth made me commit my feelings for him in front of the whole school, and ever since that day, we were the probably happiest couple in the community.

Until the day that Ryan told us he needed to go back to Chino, to take care for a pregnant Theresa. You would never guess it, but Theresa's pregnancy changed my life forever. Seth left me with nothing but a letter, and he not only ruined my trust in him completely, but he also made something die inside of me. Seth's departure was kind of the confirmation that opening your heart to someone only hurts you.

Seth had made me crawl out of my inner shell, and he had also made me crawl back into it again. After Seth had left, I had spent the most terrible weeks in my entire life. I had always had heard that lovesickness was something terrible, but I never would have imagined it to be so painful.

So he had left – and I went back to be my old self again. On Independence Day I swore to myself that I would never let a boy come so close to me like Seth had been.

Just to numb my inner pain, I started to date Zach, and we've been sort of a couple ever since.

Don't get me wrong, Zach is a wonderful boy. He's romantic, sweet, kind and a real gentleman, but I never felt anything more than friendship for him. But at least my feelings were kind of in order.

And just when I was about to let go of Seth, he showed up again, after a whole summer of being away. That's when I wanted him to hurt as much as he had hurt me before, and that was the time when I decided to declare Zach as my boyfriend.

Zach lays an arm around me and smiles at me again. I look at him and smile back, my eyes examining his cute face. Suddenly I realize that all I've ever done with Zach the past couple of months, I did to get back at Seth, to show him that he can't chose me whenever he feels like it.

And slowly but surely, the old feelings from one year ago come up again. Whatever Seth had done to me since then, he always makes me come running back to him.

I need to stop this whole Seth-thinking now. I'm going to Italy with Zach and his family, to celebrate his sister's wedding. I can't let this happen. I can't fall for Seth Cohen again. He would only hurt me, like he did so many times before. No, I'm happy now, sitting next to Zach.

But why is it Seth's face I see when I look at Zach, and why is it Seth's voice I hear echoing in my head all the time?

"When you're with him is it like… what we had?"

I blink and concentrate on the floor. It definitely isn't what Seth and me had. Nothing ever will be.

The voice of Zach's sister pulls me into reality again. I try to focus on the conversation that is going on between the Stephens family.

Suddenly, my cell phone rings. I sigh when I see who it is. How can I ever try to get him off my mind when he always calls me? I long to answer the phone now, and tell him that I only want him, and nobody else. But I let my mailbox answer and embarrass myself in front of Zach's family instead.

That's when I decide to go and get some newspapers. I need to hear what he had to tell me again.

In the papershop, I hear the message he gave me. No more stupid attempts to win me back, only a farewell from Seth and Captain Oats. God, why does he have to be so cute?

The feeling becomes more and more intensive by every second I think about him. I need to be with him, and I need to go and tell him that immediately.

Just like a confirmation, I see a little dark-haired boy sitting on the floor playing with his plastic horse on top of his comic books that are spread all around the floor.

And that is the moment I make my decision.

Suddenly, I see Zach coming up to me, asking me to convince his sister that a delayed flight is not the end of a marriage.

My heart races and my brains have gone totally numb. All I see though my inner eye is Seth Cohen, and all I hear is my inner voice, coming from my heart, that tells me I need to be with him forever.

I guess that's what they call love.

I summon all my courage and tell Zach that I can't go with him.

Zach doesn't understand at first, and he looks totally confused. Well, I can't blame him.

I have to admit that I'm almost a little scared of how Zach might react. Is he going to let me go, or will he fight for me and try to convince me to go with him?

The little boy on the floor neighs with his plastic horse and draws Zach's attention to him. And suddenly, Zach understands. You can almost see the pain in his face.

My feelings are on a rollercoaster now. The love for Seth is almost overwhelming me, as well as my guilt for ditching Zach just like Seth did to me last summer.

But I can't go back now, and I don't want to.

Finally, Zach starts to speak. "Truth be told…" Zach touches my face with his hand. "I didn't think you'd make it past security."

I have to fight tiny tears that are coming up inside of me. "I'm sorry" is all I can say.

Zach thinks a little while. The hurt in his face is almost breaking my heart. He bites his lip. "Can't fight fate."

Before I start to cry, I lean over and kiss him softly on the lips. Just like Seth one year ago, I have chosen a person over the other. Because, whether I want it or not, just like I am undeniable to Seth, he is undeniable to me. Ever since the day he made me fall in love with him, it has always been him for me. And it probably will ever be.

I trace Zach's lip with my finger, swallow hard and start to run. I have waited way too long to do this, so now I don't want to lose any more time. I need to go back to the only boy I've ever loved.

The rain keeps falling on and on. When I jump out of the taxi, I let out a tiny scream at first. I hate it when I get wet. But when I think about what I'm about to do in the next few moments, I become all warm on the inside. My heart pounds hard when I knock at the Cohen's huge wooden front door.

When no one answers the door, I just let myself in, scanning the entrance hall for some person. The house is completely empty, but the lights are all switched on. Somebody has to be there.

I run towards the stairs, shouting Seth's name. My shoulders and my hair look terrible since they've become all wet, but right now, I don't care. After all of the times I have rejected Seth over the last few weeks, I wonder if he even wants to take me back. But he tried so hard to stop me from going, so why wouldn't he?

The fear of having my heart broken by Seth Cohen once again almost overwhelms me and almost makes me turn on my heels and run back to the taxi.

But suddenly I realize that I can't leave. I don't know what that skinny geek did to me, but try as I might, I can't let go of him.

I collect all my courage and keep on searching the house for somebody. Suddenly I hear Seth's voice calling out for help.

With the rain drumming on the windows it's hard to locate where the SOS comes from, but something tells me to look in the backyard.

I run outside, into the pouring rain again, but all I can see are the big rainclouds that are hanging over Newport Beach.

"Cohen?" I shout.

From behind, I can hear my name. It is a muffled sound. I frown and turn around to see Seth hanging upside down from the Cohens' roof in his spiderman costume.

"Oh my God" is the only thing I can manage to say in this situation. My heart races and I'm excited like a little girl when I run up to him.

Thousands of thoughts race through my mind. I don't even wonder why in all world Seth hangs down from the roof. There are more important questions in my mind.

What if he doesn't want to take me back? What if I have rejected him once too often? I don't think I could bear that.

I want to touch him, I want to kiss him so badly now. But I don't have the courage to do anything. I just stand there and watch him swinging slightly back and forth.

"What are you doing here?" he asks, sounding slightly confused.

Suddenly everything seems so easy.

I laugh and wonder if he really doesn't realize why I'm here, in his backyard while I should be going to Italy. I shake my head during the laughing. "What do you think, Cohen?" I ask and half pull off his spiderman mask.

He doesn't answer. I can sense that his feelings are evenly confused as mine. A magical force seems to pull me towards him. The love I feel for him overwhelms me, and I finally give in to the feelings I have tried to fight ever since Seth had been coming back from Portland.

We lose ourselves in a long, passionate kiss. No one would believe how happy I am right now. Nothing had ever felt so right to me. Images of "our" story rush

through my inner eye, capturing all of the moments we had together. And the moments we had to spend apart.

I haven't been able to tell him yet that I love him, and that I can't imagine ever loving another boy.

That's part of me that still hides inside my inner shell, but I'm sure that one day, it'll come out.

Because Seth and me belong together.

And you can't fight fate.

THE END


End file.
